Pages of My Insanity
by shizuke
Summary: Page 1: When I first fell in love with you...I felt like killing myself. RaitoL, Raito POV.


Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note or its characters. No money was made from manipulating DN characters in any way I liked.

A/N: A doujin-inspired fic hehe.

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How in the world did this happen? My only aim; my focus – it should've been on creating a new world and ridding it of you, Ryuuzaki. I have always been a single-minded person. How was I so easily sidetracked this time? What spell did you put on me? What tactics have you used to deter me from my ambition? Tell me, Ryuuzaki. TELL ME!

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**Page 1: When I first fell in love with you…**

You were an irritating bastard. Sometimes I wondered why I put up with you. You accused me of being Kira and even when you withdrew it, I knew you were still suspecting me of being Kira. Chaining me to you wasn't enough. You would only believe that I wasn't Kira if the real Kira was caught. And I really don't know when such a thing will happen.

You were messy and unhealthy. You ate nothing but sweets and sleep not more than two hours per night. You drove me crazy typing away on the laptop when I was trying to sleep and kicked the blankets around when you fall asleep.

You said that I was your first friend, but not in any instance did you ever open up to me. Your innermost thoughts, you kept to yourself. Your expressions, you mask from me and the rest of the world. And I could never know for sure what you were thinking.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING RYUUZAKI?!

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**Page 2: When I got jealous that you opened up to someone…**

I thought that you put up a front in front of everyone. But I should've known better. Humans are not capable of such control. Even the coldest human beings have someone they confide in. And the person you confide in, the person you trust the most, was Watari.

It should've been obvious right from the bat. Watari was your link to the outside world which you understood but did not want to be a part of. He was the one who chained you to reality, making sure that what you said and thought still made sense, made sure you function.

He was the only one you'd smile to or frown at or make faces at. He was the only one who saw the real side of you. And I didn't understand why you didn't want to show me all your expressions as well. I was chained to you 24/7. Wasn't that enough to gain your trust?

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**Page 3: When I confronted the one who saw your smile…**

I had not expected to be talked to this way by Watari. I had always seen him as an elderly but capable man. It took me some time to remember that this man could handle a rifle very well too. You had unchained me so that you could have a decent shower alone and I took this opportunity to ask Watari.

"Why are you the only one he will open up to?" I asked.

Do you know what he said?

"What makes you think you have the right to be a person whom Ryuuzaki trusts, Yagami Raito?"

I…didn't really have an answer to that one.

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**Page 4: I decided to give up…**

I entertained that thought for a while – because I'd hit a road block. What Watari had said had really gotten to me. You didn't trust me. You wouldn't trust me in a million years.

I thought about giving up. But only for a while. Because I'd never done anything halfway. I decided to pursue you anyway. Even though you were unreachable; even though you were untouchable; even if you didn't want me anyway, I'll pursue you and find an ending to these emotions.

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**Page 5: I like your eyes on me…**

You're staring at me more often nowadays. I knew because I always get this prickly feeling whenever someone's watching me. I hated being watched, which was why I cursed your name when I learned of the stalking Raye Penbar and the cameras you installed in my room.

That's right. I should hate you. …it's no use. I can't bring myself to hate you anymore.

Anyways, back to the staring. I pretended not to notice of course. But I was pretty sure you knew that I knew you were staring. After all, being discreet wasn't one of your more powerful traits. To tell you point blank, it's unnerving.

Seriously, what was so fascinating about watching me plop a sugar cube into my tea or stirring it with a spoon? Was it amusing to watch me scroll down a webpage or flip the pages of a report? Heck, you were even staring at me when I was in one of my rare daydreams!

Then, the prickly feeling faded and I started not to notice. But I kind of liked it – the feeling that you were watching me. Observing my every move and probably analysing my behaviour – could you be falling in love with me too?

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**Page 6: You still don't trust me…**

Higuchi was identified as Kira and yet your suspicions on me were still there. What more proof do you need to clear your doubts about me? What had I done in the past for you to have so many misgivings about me? For the life of me, I couldn't figure out why you are so darn sure that I am not innocent!

I wanted to punch you squarely in the face, Ryuuzaki. But I did not deserve the kick that I was sure to get. You didn't have the right to kick me, Ryuuzaki. It was you who judged me unfairly. You, who so stubbornly pushed the fact that I had to be Kira in one way or another.

Why are you so stupid?!

Perhaps I was the more stupid one for actually falling in love with someone who distrusted me so. How the hell did I fall in love with you anyway? You weren't in any means attractive. You were messy, always wore the same clothes, in need of some serious sleep and ate so much sweets that I had cavities from just watching you eat.

I must've been crazy to like someone like you. There it was. I finally understood myself. I was crazy. I became crazy. Because of you. I hate you.

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**Page 7: I'm not immune to nightmares…**

I'd been having dreams. In these dreams, I was a murderer. I killed people for the sake of my ideals and felt no remorse in it. I used and threw away people for my own advantages. I did everything against my morals and honours. And in these dreams, you were dead. You had been murdered by my hand.

These dreams scared me. Could it be that your qualms about me were actually true? Could it be that you sensed a dark side to me that even I had no knowledge of? Was that dark side why you mistrusted me so? To tell you the truth, I wasn't just scared. I was dead frightened.

And you must've picked up my uneasiness during the day because you asked more than once if I was alright. We were very close to apprehending Higuchi. Matsuda had agreed to appear on television to 'expose' Higuchi as Kira. Tomorrow night, we would take action and capture Kira.

I felt anxious the entire day. I knew I shouldn't be but for some reason I was. I felt that my time with you was coming to an end even though I knew that I would stick with you until we found out how Higuchi killed his victims. So why did I feel so scared? Why was my heart clenching?

And whenever I looked at you, my heart ached even more. Misa was looking at me weirdly; as if she knew something I didn't but should know. It unnerved me even more. Then, I thought about my dreams again.

What if you were right? What if I was Kira? You haven't been wrong in your previous cases so it wouldn't be outrageous to say that you were right again this time. Maybe I was indeed Kira. Perhaps I had another personality like Mr. Hyde to Dr. Jekyll. And my Mr. Hyde was Kira.

And my Mr. Hyde's doings were starting to resurface in my dreams subconsciously. The probability of this situation made me feel even edgier. And you probably noticed too because you offered me a piece of your cake.

When my edginess started to ruin my concentration, I went to Watari for help. I took the opportunity when you were answering a phone call to quickly ask Watari if he thought I was capable of doing all the things Kira did.

He said, "Yes."

Watari wouldn't lie. Not to me. He didn't have any reason to lie to me. But the moment he said 'yes', the world had crashed around me. My emotions collapsed within me and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry or whatever.

I looked at Misa and I cringed when she grinned. I looked at you and my heart clenched when you wouldn't take your eyes off me.

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**Page 8: If I were Kira…**

No doubt, you still had some reservations towards me even though we're capturing Higuchi the next night. You had already crawled to bed by the time I finished up in the bathroom. You had taken up my space on the bed again and I refrained myself from pushing you. You knew that the right side of the bed was mine, you bastard.

Regardless, I climbed up onto the bed next to you and realized that you were already sleeping. Why had you gone to bed so early today? Was it because the excitement for tomorrow had exhausted all your energy? Had you been so pumped up at finally capturing Kira (although you thought that Higuchi was definitely a proxy Kira) that you sapped up all your glucose and caffeine-fuelled energy?

But I didn't mind you sleeping before me. In you sleep, your guard was down somewhat and I could finally stare at you; just stare you uninhibitedly. I touched the side of your body, noting how thin you were despite the sweets and butter pastries you consume everyday. What were you? A cyborg?

I was still scared. I could still see clearly your lifeless body in my hands as it had been in my dream. Would I really kill you to protect myself? You now have a big chunky piece of real estate in my heart. Would I…could I kill you even if my life depended on it?

And before I knew it, I was crying. Maybe it was because no one else was in the room watching me that I allowed myself to cry so freely. I couldn't even remember the last time I cried. I never cried over petty things. And now I cried because I was confused.

I didn't know myself anymore. Was I Kira? Was I Yagami Raito? Or maybe you were right in saying that Yagami Raito was Kira. Then could I just be plain Raito, the boy who was in love with the boy he was chained to?

No, self-deluding myself was a useless thing to do. I have to acknowledge the darkness in my heart. My confusion began because I rejected it. Everyone is capable of some evil. And now, I was beginning to understand that my capability for evil was stronger than others. It's not so hard to believe for me now that I was Kira.

Would you call me an idiot if I told you that I could believe that I was Kira because you said I was? You had never been wrong. And my love for you and biased my thoughts and opinions towards you. So if you said I was Kira, it's possible that I was Kira.

But Ryuuzaki – no.

…L… if I really were Kira … I'm really sorry.

I'm saying sorry because I don't know what else to say. Ryuuga, Ryuuzaki, L, I'm sorry. I'm sorry and…

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**Page 9: Goodbye…**

I have regained the Death Note. So long Higuchi. You've done well as my stand in but it's time for Kira to take up the job of cleansing the world again. Everything had gone exactly as I had planned. Misa had regained memory of the Death Note as well too. How fortunate for me.

Now nothing can stop me. I am Kira, the to-be god of the new world. Anything or anyone that stands in my way will be obliterated. Including you, L. Your time is near. A few more steps and you will be but a tiny footnote in the history chronicling how I, Kira began a whole new world.

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**Page 10: The epilogue of my struggle…**

L, you know what? I had a strange dream last night. You were in it. In that dream, believe it or not, I was kissing you. I didn't know what the hell I was doing kissing you, or why in the world would I do such a thing with a creature like you, but you were kissing me back, L.

What did that mean? Did you like me in that way, L? That's gross. What's more, Watari had been in the background on my dream, smiling and clapping while the two of us – ugh- kissed. Can you believe it? Weird, right?

Want to hear something more unbelievable? When I woke up, I had dried tears on the sides of my eyes. I had been crying in my sleep. That has never happened to me before so I was a bit surprised when I realized that the crusty stuff on the sides of my face were tears.

I had no idea what I had been crying about. But it must've have been something truly serious for me to cry about it and in my sleep no less. And that's not all.

I had my arm around you, L. Why was my arm around your body when I was sleeping? You're the smartest detective in the world, L. So can you tell me why I was half-hugging you in my sleep? I would seriously love to know.

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_A/N: Should I do a sequel?_

_A/N 2: Sequel done! Actually it's a semi-sequel. _**Hearts and Spades**_ can be found in mu profile. Thanks for all your support._


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